Thursday, March 30, 2006

Day by Day

As I am counting my last days here, I feel that somehow I am getting up slowly from the rubles I have been into.

Having vented off my emotions about everything has helped me cope with the pressing condition. I realized how valuable I am for a lot of people here and what makes me sad is the fact that I will be leaving behind people I have already learned to love.

That maybe the saddest part of it all.

Life has to go on. I am taking a step forward to a better life ahead.

Worried still about my SO but I am hoping that things will get better day by day.....

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Recently

I finally filed my resignation. Afraid that I might lose the new job had it not for the opportunity they gave me to sign up. When I got the offer, I discussed it with my SO and I arrived at the decision to grab the opportunity.

It was a shock for everyone when I finally submitted the letter. A lot of people got mad because of the sudden decision. To make the long story short, they cannot accept my decision and so they opted to make it really hard for me.

I was then tasked to take on becoming the receptionist and I had to turn-over everything on that day. I was driven off as if I didnt have anything to do with the company anymore and they told me that seeing me in my seat would not do any help anymore since they're claiming that thirty days is too short a notice for them.

I had the worst day. I cried the whole day and I had to just accept the situation. I felt how my SO wanted to hug and allay my stress that time but he could only do so much.

I had the weekend to prepare myself because we went to Boracay for 3 days and 2 nights. It was good to have spent another weekend with my love as we talked about it.

A colleague's birthday brought sunshine again to me when somehow, the stiff situation shifted suddenly to becoming more lighter. I knew that the harsh treat ment would have not lasted anyhow because Im also special to them.

Twas another night when I had another shock. They accessed my files at the shared drive and say my pictures with my SO! We were so dicreet about it when they saw everything!!! It was not my intention to have placed it there but I needed to since my access to my former PC would not be possible. I had to do something. I planned to delete these the next day but this happened.

Friends were kind enough to tell me what happened and so when I came to work the next day, I was prepared to face them. I felt at ease when they talked to me about it. I told them how in love I am and I couldnt care less what other people might say. Its simply my decision to leave and love! I felt relieved being able to divulge the information and finally be free.

Had to call and inform my SO about it. He laughed about it but somehow I felt his worry. I know this has been something that we could have prevented but as I look into the situation, I think its bound to happen anyhow.

I admit my shortcoming and there is just nothing I want to do other than making my relationship with him work. He's my confidant, my friend my lover all in one.

For whatever its worth I would like to continue hoping and praying that all of these happened for a valid reason and this is just a test of our love.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Fear

Got a call from the new company yesterday asking me to submit my payslip and so they can finally do the job offer.

I was able to submit all the requirements and I felt good about it. I was not able to sleep last night after waking up at 3AM. Various thoughts filled my mind. Worried about My SO, family, health, new career, my current job and friends. I am now at a state where everything to me is hanging. I can't fathom the reason why I have this feeling. My nervousness or excitement about the new job may have brought me all these mixed emotions.

Today, they did not call me. I am not sure as to when they will but my hopes are still high.

I have fear of the unknown. After learning about my SO's seeking other career opportunities, more fear embellished my being. I guess it followed automatically on my mind that if he finally decides about the transfer, then I will be left with lesser chances of seeing and being with him especially if his prospect company does not have projects anywhere Southeast Asia or more so in the Philippines. I guess the situation will be inevitable.

Given this situation, I am at a lost if I should even worry about us. I hold on to his words, "love will find its way" (I have his sms kept saying these words). A concrete expression of his dedication to me and which keeps my head up about the situation.

I love him so much, no doubt and I would like to stop worrying about anything concerning us. I guess its a matter of conditioning and faith.

Getting through this ordeal and all the other worries that I have in my heart and mind is all that I am praying for. I know that my SO will keep his promise and I believe that his love is true. I never doubted that. I guess I will have to be strong and I should keep on believing that love will conquer all.

Monday, March 13, 2006

SAY IT!

It was Sunday when I got SMS from my Significant Other (SO) saying hello and he is hoping that Im ok. Along the line, he mentioned about me not being able to say I love you on the phone whenever he calls. He joked if im embarrassed to say it whenever people are with me.

The last time he called was Saturday. I was with Mikee having late lunch and he called. Just right after the call, I realized that I would never say I love him after the conversation especially when I'm home or with Mikee. I don't know but somehow, I already thought that he would tell me and ask why and so he did the next day!

I cannot explain it well but maybe one reason why I haven't done it is because I have not formally introduced him to my family as my boyfriend. For the longest time that I have been loveless, the flowers and the calls are already concrete implications that I'm with somebody and so I feel I don't have to tell them anything anyhow. Maybe, its unfair for my SO since he also would like to meet my family he is back, I will find time to introduce him formally and be proud of him.

I answered back his sms by telling him sorry for that and that it was unintentional and that from now on, I will always say it everytime I will converse with him over the phone. I also told him how much I would want to be with him. If only I can fly into his arms and never leave his side.

This also one realization for me that I have to also please him every way I can and so he would not feel that its just a "one -way street" so to speak for us and that he is just the one I demand from to say it... which by the way already became a running joke between us. "SAY IT!!!", I would say and it never fails to make us laugh.

Words are just not enough to say how much I'm in love with him. I want this relationship to be as blissful as it can be. So I keep on wishing...... somehow... someday.............

Only time will tell...

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Saturday

1030 AM and my Mobile phone rang, have to get up and be in the office today! Its Saturday and I though I have promised myself not be working on a weekend, I am here!!!

I realized how I cannot just wait until I could get things placed on the right track. Needed to please the bosses, and for my peace of mind, I opted to just do everything I can to deliver evrything as perfectly as I can.

I had sleepless nights preparing for documents and just being there for my boss. Though my job hunting is still active, I realized that I have been so dedicated that I would not have second thoughts sacrificing my time and efforts for this company. The flesh is weak but the spirit is still too willing to put more and more effort.

Sadly, I feel that despite all these, I am not appreciated as I should be. Sometimes, a pat on the back would make a difference. As I am writing this now, I have come to realize that I really love my work. Now, whether they see it mediocre or they will still blame me for the situation,(which I will have to see on Monday) at least I have done my part and I have been my best.

Its more of self fulfillment than anything else that matters.

Everyone might not know how I feel and how I do my thing(which I know I am not expected to be explaining to everyone) but at least it is "ME" that I have pleased more.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Hunt

I now take on another challenge which is being Executive Assistant for multiple bosses. The search for the right job has been on going for the longest time and as I have applied and attended to a lot of interviews lately, I still haven't landed another job. My partner has already left and shall take on another responsibility somewhere else which I know would be a better ground for her.

If this company calls me finally within the week, I will definitely leave. I am hoping and praying for the right time and pace I should have this change soon. My "significant other"(SO) has been very supportive of me and Im thankful that he would cheer me up when my hopes die down.

I have undergone 3 consecutive interviews already with the same company and I hope that anytime soon, they will confirm hiring me. Cant wait to really seize the day!!!

The feeling of melancholy has not left me lately since I have been dying to see myself doing better in some other job. Really hoping for the best to come.... til then....

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Today

It has been a long time since I last visited and wrote anything here.

A lot of wonderful and awful things have occured and I could say that most wonderous thing that came to me would be finding Mr. S. Yes, Mr.S_ and Mr. R(right) all in one.

I just want to share the blissful feeling that I have now that am alive again and has awaken from my deep slumber. He has accepted me for whoever and whatever I am. He is not only my lover but a friend who I can run to whenever I'm in need. Not only is he "king" of my heart but the "janitor" of all my doubts, worries and fears.

I met him a couple of months ago and it just "clicked" for the both of us. We may come from two diffrent worlds and are totally "opposites" but we attracted just like magnets. I am proud and so glad that our relationship has become strong and has been built in "trust". I may not see him ever so often but I am thankful for the days that I would be with him.

The smile that has left my face for the longest time is now back, as I often have him in my thoughts. I collect all the happy thoughts and whenever I miss and long for him, I recollect them and these never fail to make me feel warm and comfty inside.

Words are not enough to describe the ecstatic feeling I have now.

Wishing this would never have to end.